THOSE DISASTROUS ANCESTORS OF MINE

Copyright 1999.

 

TODAY WE BURIED GREAT UNCLE TED

DIED UN-EXPECTANTLY THE OBITUARY READ

HOW UN-EXPECTING CAN PEOPLE BE

AFTER ALL THE OLD FART WAS A HUNDRED AND THREE

 

GREAT UNCLE TED'S FATHER WAS A HUNDRED AND SEVEN

WHEN HE POPPED HIS CLOGS AND WENT TO HEAVEN

AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM ONE HUNDRED AND ONE

THEY SAY HE DIED SUDDENLY WHILE CLEANING HIS GUN

 

HE WAS LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL FOR HIDDEN DIRT

YOUR TEAS ON THE TABLE, YELLED HIS MANIC WIFE GERT

BUT HE CHOSE TO IGNORE HER, MUCH TO HER DISMAY

SO SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER AND BLEW HIM AWAY

 

GREAT UNCLE TED'S BROTHER WAS GREAT UNCLE CHUCK

WHO FLOGGED STOLEN GOODS FROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK

HE LEFT TWO SONS AND A WIDOW NAMED FLORRY

WHEN THE POOR SOD FELL OFF THE BACK OF A LORRY

 

NOW HIS ELDEST SISTER WAS MY GREAT AUNT GWEN

AND A BIT OF A RAVER WHEN IT CAME TO MEN

TWELVE TIMES A NIGHT AND SHE WASN'T DREAMING

RED HOT IN HER COFFIN AND THEY SAY SHE'S STILL STEAMING

 

THE YOUNGEST GIRL WAS MY GREAT AUNT TRISH

WIDOWED EIGHT TIMES, THEY ALL ATE POISONED FISH

ALL EXCEPT ONE, HE DIED FROM A BLOW TO THE HEAD

WELL, HE REFUSED THE FISH, MY GREAT AUNTIE TRISH SAID

 

THEN THERE WAS GREAT AUNT NELL WHO HAD KIDS BY THE SCORE

ALL WRINKLED AND GREY, SHE SAID I WILL TRY FOR ONE MORE

THE RECORDS MUST BE WRONG, THEY CAN NEVER BE TRUE

THEY SAY SHE DIED GIVING BIRTH, AGED NINETY TWO

 

NOW MY GREAT UNCLE BILL DIED OF DYSENTERY THEY SAY

THE POOR CHAP JUST SIMPLY MELTED AWAY

TO SAVE ON EXPENSES, SAID GREAT AUNTIE SUE

I COMMIT THIS BODY TO THE DEEP, AND FLUSHED HIM DOWN THE LOO

 

AND MY GREAT UNCLE DICK CALLED HIS SON ONE DAY

YOU CANT MARRY THAT GIRL SON, I'M SORRY TO SAY

JUST LISTEN TO ME HE BEGGED IN A WHISPER

YOUR MOTHER DON'T KNOW BUT THAT GIRL IS YOUR SISTER

 

NOW MY COUSIN TWICE REMOVED AND OF LITTLE EDUCATION

RAN TO HIS MOTHER IN SHEER DESPERATION

OH MAM HE CRIED I'M GOING OFF MY HEAD

I CANT MARRY THAT GIRL, SHE'S MY SISTER DAD SAID

 

THERE THERE SAID HIS MOTHER DON'T YOU FRET MY BOY

WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU SHOULD BRING YOU JOY

YOU CAN MARRY THAT GIRL, GO ON OFF YOU GO

CAUSE YOUR DADDY AIN'T YOUR DADDY, BUT YOUR DADDY DON'T KNOW

 

TRACING MY ANCESTORS WAS A PLEASURE FOR ME

ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT THERE ARE SOME ODDITIES

BUT A LOT MORE SURPRISES I AM SURE TO GET

I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON MY MOTHERS SIDE YET.

 


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