THOSE DISASTROUS ANCESTORS OF MINE Copyright 1999.   TODAY WE BURIED GREAT UNCLE TED DIED UN-EXPECTANTLY THE OBITUARY READ HOW UN-EXPECTING CAN PEOPLE BE AFTER ALL THE OLD FART WAS A HUNDRED AND THREE   GREAT UNCLE TED'S FATHER WAS A HUNDRED AND SEVEN WHEN HE POPPED HIS CLOGS AND WENT TO HEAVEN AND HIS FATHER BEFORE HIM ONE HUNDRED AND ONE THEY SAY HE DIED SUDDENLY WHILE CLEANING HIS GUN   HE WAS LOOKING DOWN THE BARREL FOR HIDDEN DIRT YOUR TEAS ON THE TABLE, YELLED HIS MANIC WIFE GERT BUT HE CHOSE TO IGNORE HER, MUCH TO HER DISMAY SO SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER AND BLEW HIM AWAY   GREAT UNCLE TED'S BROTHER WAS GREAT UNCLE CHUCK WHO FLOGGED STOLEN GOODS FROM THE BACK OF A TRUCK HE LEFT TWO SONS AND A WIDOW NAMED FLORRY WHEN THE POOR SOD FELL OFF THE BACK OF A LORRY   NOW HIS ELDEST SISTER WAS MY GREAT AUNT GWEN AND A BIT OF A RAVER WHEN IT CAME TO MEN TWELVE TIMES A NIGHT AND SHE WASN'T DREAMING RED HOT IN HER COFFIN AND THEY SAY SHE'S STILL STEAMING   THE YOUNGEST GIRL WAS MY GREAT AUNT TRISH WIDOWED EIGHT TIMES, THEY ALL ATE POISONED FISH ALL EXCEPT ONE, HE DIED FROM A BLOW TO THE HEAD WELL, HE REFUSED THE FISH, MY GREAT AUNTIE TRISH SAID   THEN THERE WAS GREAT AUNT NELL WHO HAD KIDS BY THE SCORE ALL WRINKLED AND GREY, SHE SAID I WILL TRY FOR ONE MORE THE RECORDS MUST BE WRONG, THEY CAN NEVER BE TRUE THEY SAY SHE DIED GIVING BIRTH, AGED NINETY TWO   NOW MY GREAT UNCLE BILL DIED OF DYSENTERY THEY SAY THE POOR CHAP JUST SIMPLY MELTED AWAY TO SAVE ON EXPENSES, SAID GREAT AUNTIE SUE I COMMIT THIS BODY TO THE DEEP, AND FLUSHED HIM DOWN THE LOO   AND MY GREAT UNCLE DICK CALLED HIS SON ONE DAY YOU CANT MARRY THAT GIRL SON, I'M SORRY TO SAY JUST LISTEN TO ME HE BEGGED IN A WHISPER YOUR MOTHER DON'T KNOW BUT THAT GIRL IS YOUR SISTER   NOW MY COUSIN TWICE REMOVED AND OF LITTLE EDUCATION RAN TO HIS MOTHER IN SHEER DESPERATION OH MAM HE CRIED I'M GOING OFF MY HEAD I CANT MARRY THAT GIRL, SHE'S MY SISTER DAD SAID   THERE THERE SAID HIS MOTHER DON'T YOU FRET MY BOY WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU SHOULD BRING YOU JOY YOU CAN MARRY THAT GIRL, GO ON OFF YOU GO CAUSE YOUR DADDY AIN'T YOUR DADDY, BUT YOUR DADDY DON'T KNOW   TRACING MY ANCESTORS WAS A PLEASURE FOR ME ALTHOUGH I HAVE TO ADMIT THERE ARE SOME ODDITIES BUT A LOT MORE SURPRISES I AM SURE TO GET I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON MY MOTHERS SIDE YET.   Back